I puked a lego.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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