i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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