you have to choose: penises or morals?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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