Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
