got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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