Hey man sorry I got all grabby
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
