Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
