I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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