that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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