He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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