so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
