There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I am in a vortex of obligation.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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