new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
