So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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