dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
