I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
