I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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