Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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