maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
