I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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