chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
babies were throwing up all over the place
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
