Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
