and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
