I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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