i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
