there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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