I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
