i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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