I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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