I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
