dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
