my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
