I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
