If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
