Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
