i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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