Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
