you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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