dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
