My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
