What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
