i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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