dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
