Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
