Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
