my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
