did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
