two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
