You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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