I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize