SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
