I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
