ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
