It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
