Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
